When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
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The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I drew y’all a little something.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.