Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
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Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling