Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
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i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.