My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
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been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions