I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
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God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My last name is Zilla.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos