Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
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HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie