If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
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I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing