If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
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Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.