Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
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[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
selena gomez
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.