🥶🥶🐶🐶
You Might Also Like
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Y’all ready for this
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
This is not me but this is me