remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
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Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Sooo many times…..
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
The cashier just checked me out.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven