I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
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I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
who named him groot and not spruce lee
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion