I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
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My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”