I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
The smoothest fall of all time
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*