I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
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[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.