Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
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I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
the way this pissed me off… 😭
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.