My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
You Might Also Like
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”