It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
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I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Passwords are more important than ever.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I’ve had worse
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner