Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
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I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store