Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
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11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Things will get butter, keep churning
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.