That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
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“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*