Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
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It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.