What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
You Might Also Like
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
😆this is so true
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
hmmm
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂