ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
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Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
me after drinking all the wine:
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
sry
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve