Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
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Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?