Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
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After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
A leaf blower, but for people.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip