“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
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The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels