True?
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Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.