Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
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Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
British people be like I’m Bri ish
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.