Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
You Might Also Like
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
12653.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too