Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
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Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”