Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
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My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
The struggle is real.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Lmfao
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”