Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
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One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.