Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
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I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
bout dat hot dog summer
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you