Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
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Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*