Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
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god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
vegan witches, happy halloween!