I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
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Hank is one in a melon.
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Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My blood type is coffee.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Hey i am sexy to you now
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Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
i actually laughed 😩
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“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
cause of death:
autopsy.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?