Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.