I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

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Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.


Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?


If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.


[having sex]
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!


OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”


Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.


At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.


If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.


Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?