I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
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[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I would move hell over six inches for you
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft