Hey i am sexy to you now
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[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality