*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
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She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.