911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
You Might Also Like
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Strangers have the best candy.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
It’s the weekend y’all
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so