“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
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My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
three things we don’t talk about
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.