Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
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What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
If you know, you know
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky