My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
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Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
S M O L
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter