My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
You Might Also Like
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much