I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
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Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
new wife guy just dropped
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
No way!
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*