Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD