Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Lucky old June.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.