Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
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If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
when someone rings the doorbell
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.