Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
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Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.