@WritePlay

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

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@VerifiedDrunk

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

@WilliamAder

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

@Darlainky

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

@ABurgerADay

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

@NerishaLakha

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

@KeetPotato

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

@ginnyhogan_

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

@GuyEndoreKaiser

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.