ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
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My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
kids play hide and seek like
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it