@Bob_Janke [On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
@WritePlay ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
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@Bob_Janke 
@skickwriter Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
@spacebatmcbat I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
@rameshsrivats Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
@sageboggs I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
@CynicalTherapi1 As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
@DurtMcHurtt Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
@uhhmmily accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
@SocialBitterfly *one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
@birbigs At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.