@WritePlay

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

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@Bob_Janke

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

@skickwriter

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

@spacebatmcbat

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

@rameshsrivats

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

@sageboggs

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

@CynicalTherapi1

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

@uhhmmily

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

@SocialBitterfly

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

@birbigs

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.